A Romantic Consultation
by Janus Darko
Summary: Formerly 'A Heart's Consultation' Harry, Ron and Hermione have graduated and gotten lucky in careers in the Wizarding World, so why is Harry so unlucky in love? When Ron suggests Harry get some advice on the matter, he goes to the one person he knows will be able to help. Hermione giving advice on Harry's sex life (or lack thereof). What could go wrong? H/Hr
1. Super Frowns and Sweet Treats

Hi everyone, this is the first story I'm actually getting around to publishing so it will probably be pretty short. I won't say how many chapters because I honestly have no clue whatsoever, so keep checking back.

-HP-

Harry James Potter woke from a semi- peaceful night's sleep with a frown. This being the man who briefly held the title of "Most Depressing Personality" during his Fifth AND Sixth years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, this came as a surprise to almost no one. It wasn't as if this happened consistently, but it was happening often enough that it was getting to be a bother to his housemates and best friends, Ronald Bilius Weasley and Hermione Jane Granger. More specifically, the fact that he was "out-sulking" the previous title holder, the dear...er…well-miss…the departed Professor Severus Snape.

"You alright, mate?"

Harry simply gave an affirming nod and walked up to the counter in order to collect his own breakfast. Years of cooking for the Dursley's had taught him how to get around a kitchen and after an attempt at teaching Ron how to cook the Muggle way, he found it was safer to make his own in the mornings, as well as Hermione's when she remembered to actually eat before leaving for work.

"Are you sure? You look like you've just found out that you had to sleep in Snape's old chambers at the school before they'll accept your application." Harry could actually hear the bacon in the copper-headed male's mouth as he voiced his concern through his breakfast. Some habits he and Hermione discovered were just not meant to be broken.

The trio had moved into Number 12 Grimmauld Place after the War and settled into their adult lives with little difficulty. Instead of actually attending, they had private, by-mail courses at Hogwarts for their final year, due to their fame possibly being a distraction to the other students, much to the grumbling of Hermione. This allowed each to pursue a different, yet fitting career choice.

Ron decided against becoming an Auror, lacking both the essential marks and danger-specific drive to invest in that particular field of work. He now divided his time between Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, which he co-owned and operated with George, and acting as the official scout for the Chudley Cannons, a position he enjoyed immensely as it allowed him to help his favorite team to become a strong contender for the World Cup.

Hermione, in what Harry and Ron decided must be a plot to give the boys simultaneous heart attacks, took on THREE separate yet equally important positions. During the spring months she worked as a political consultant in the Ministry of Magic to add laws which strode to improve the lives of all non-human beings in the magical world, as well as ease the transition into the Magical world for all Muggle-born witches and wizards. In the summer and early fall she was the manager of Flourish and Blott's Bookstore in Diagon Alley. Finally, in the latter fall and winter months, she assisted Madame Pince as the Hogwarts Librarian. Somehow, in the midst of all of this, she was also studying for her teaching license in the hopes of joining the faculty at Hogwarts someday.

In true Hermione fashion, she was already integrating aspects of all three jobs into each other, as she used her resources in the bookstore and the Hogwarts library to include some introductory reading material which covered both the Magical and Non-Magical worlds, noticing the exceedingly small amount of information the library and even the Ministry had on the other world.

Harry, however, in a move which was both fitting and against what they believed he would do, chose to study Healing under Madame Pomfrey, in order to help those who were hurt and scarred by the previous wars. He'd seen enough death and destruction and was in no hurry to spend the rest of his life tracking down criminals. He also began his own study for Mastery in Defense against the Dark Arts in order to join the Hogwarts Staff. He even deliberately applied for the course the same as anyone else; in the hopes of avoiding the favoritism the Magical community was continuing to show him. Even so, upon receiving news that Harry was considering becoming a Healer or the DADA Professor, both St. Mungo's and the Ministry flooded Harry with offers and bribes to choose them even going so far as to guarantee him a license, whether he actually took the requisite courses or not. After hearing this, Harry personally made appearances at both St. Mungo's and the Ministry.

No one really knew what went on during those meetings, but literally seconds after the meeting was adjourned, the letters and floo calls stopped coming, and certain higher-up personnel at both facilities suddenly insisted on far lower pay than they had previously and donated the difference in pay to charities such as the Colin Creevey Muggle-born School Fund and the Cedric Diggory Foundation, set up for families who had lost sons and daughters in the War. These, as well as the Marauders" Den Orphanage in Hogsmeade and the Longbottom Research Institute of Magic Induced Affliction served to assist all those who were hurt by the War.

Though he was happy with the way his life was going and content with his career path, Harry still felt his face slip in to that same frown day in and day out. He even knew the cause. Harry Potter was, for lack of a better word, in a rut. It had been weeks since his last date and for the life of him he could NOT figure the reason it bothered him so much. Sure he'd had outings with women over the past few years but nothing serious came of it. They were all fun and great people to spend a day with, but something always stopped him from pursuing anything further.

"I don't think anything's wrong with you, but it seems to me you just aren't happy with any of them. Maybe you ought to find someone you can just hang out with at first, and see where it goes from there. And if that doesn't work, you can always ask Hermione what she knows on the subject. Merlin knows I can't help you there."

Ron's words of encouragement rang through Harry's ears over the next few days. He conceded that he really wasn't happy with any of them, and though he enjoyed hanging out with them, there was just no spark there. Finally he decided on a course of action, if he was going to figure out what was wrong with his love life, he needed a girl's mind, and he knew exactly where to find the brightest one he knew.

-HP-

Hermione Jane Granger was enjoying her lunch break with a turkey sandwich and an apple at her favorite spot at the Ministry, in the Atrium just across from the Central Statue. She'd just finished a meeting with some of the more open members of the Wizengamot concerning changes to the laws pertaining to Werewolves being unable to serve as guardians to under-age witches and wizards. She was hoping to sway them into rectifying this in a vote in the coming months and it was going fairly well. Remembering the amount of heartbreak Remus must have gone through when he was forced to watch Harry disappear into the Muggle World and be raised by that wretched Uncle of his increased her drive to carry this through to the end, so that the same sort of thing could not happen to some other child. Things were different between Harry and his Aunt and cousin now that the War was over, possibly because they were his only blood relatives left in the world, but the same could not be said of his relationship with his Uncle Vernon. Petunia and Dudley understood the animosity that still lingered between family members and very rarely mentioned one to the other.

'I guess some bad blood was bound to remain.'

Hermione shook her head of the matter and reached for another sliver of the cinnamon bun she'd chosen from the snack bar as a sort of congratulations to herself for a job well done. When her hand reached the treat however, she noticed a good portion more was missing from it than she'd torn off. One of the small habits she still privately retained from her childhood that not many people realized was that she always separated her food into smaller portions before eating it. This allowed each bite to be savored, chewed and digested in an orderly manner, and also allowed for proper pacing in eating her meals. This was one of the reasons she understood that she and Ron would never work as a couple, as even their methods of eating differed wildly. It was a wonder Harry survived being in the same room as the two of them when they were carrying on, let alone the same house.

Looking around for the escaped sweet, she finally saw most of it disappear between the raven-whiskered lips of her aforementioned best friend.

"Wow, I never would have pegged Hermione Granger, daughter of not one but TWO dentists, to be eating such a sugary sweet delight such as this."

Hermione's eyes narrowed as very slowly and pointedly moved the remaining bit of her bun to her other side protectively.

"Since I happen to be a grown woman, brush my teeth four times a day, and floss quite regularly, I believe I am entitled to partake something like this on occasion. Not all of us can have such naturally perfect teeth."

The shines in his green eyes started dancing wildly as his grin grew even wider.

"Now, I know they look pretty good, but I didn't realize the great Hermione Granger considered my teeth perfect. It's a true privilege to have such an honor bestowed upon myself by one such as you."

Harry began melodramatically wiping false tears from his eyes and did a strange half bow and half curtsey in which he lowered himself into the seat next to her.

"Oh, don't be so full of yourself; it's my parents who said it. As soon as they saw you they wanted to me to ask you if they could get a cast of your teeth for display at their practice."

Freezing slightly in his pantomimed acceptance of a trophy made up of the rest of the bit he stole from her snack, Harry turned toward her slowly

"Please tell me you're joking, I have enough praise in the magical world, I don't need your parents suddenly worshiping my teeth."

Hermione feigned a thoughtful look

"I don't know, last I saw of them they were going to see if they could convince Madame Pomfrey to sneak them a scan of your teeth for them to hang in a shrine in their closet."

Her charade fell apart as soon as she saw Harry's eye begin twitching in disbelief and she burst out laughing with Harry soon joining in.

Once their laughter was abated, Hermione decided to ask what brought up the sudden visit

"I know you have a bit of a break between your internship and Defense class, but what brings you to the Ministry?"

"I was hoping to ask your help with something."

"What is it? Do you need help studying?"

"Sort of…"

His answer came out a little too evasive for her tastes so urging him on with her hands she popped the final bit of cinnamon heaven into her mouth.

Harry took a deep breath and let the words flow out of him

"I need your help studying my sex life."

It was at this point that the cinnamon bun, apparently too impatient to hear her answer to allow her to finish chewing, dove for the back of the witch's throat.

And Hermione, always one to perform her duties in a timely manner, promptly began choking.

'Perhaps that was too direct.'


	2. Potter's Panic and Granger Danger

Disclaimer: How to Tell If you own a Multi-Million Dollar Book Series, part one- Are you getting any money from said property? Nope. It's not yours. I guess it belongs to JK Rowling and Warner Brothers.

It had been around 5 minutes since Hermione's coughing fit which somehow went unnoticed by the passersby, and Harry was still trying to apologize for causing it.

"Really Hermione, I am so sorry. I was trying to be as direct as possible so I wouldn't stumble over everything. You know how difficult this sort of thing is for me…

Her brain on automatic shut down, Hermione was only able to absentmindedly nod her head throughout his hastily delivered explanation. To be completely honest, a good portion of whatever Harry was fumbling his way through saying was lost on her, as her mind was still reeling from the bluntness of his previous statement. It actually felt as though a Bludger had been thrown into her skull to automatically seek out cobwebs.

'Hmm…a Bludger has a rounded – edge, can it really be considered a blunt trauma? Consider the textbook definition of Blunt is 'of having a worn-down edge or point, i.e. not sharp. Can a round object be considered to have a worn edge, especially considering a round object has no edge, or would the round surface of the ball constitute an edge? Proposing you can roll the ball in a straight line without it deterring from its course, so long as you roll it entirely in a straight-forward fashion. Ironically, 'in a straight-forward fashion' is the second definition of Blunt. So a Blunt Bludger would have an edge if it is rolled bluntly. It would follow logically that you would stab something bluntly, or rather 'straight –forwardly' also. If the edge was blunt, you would have to stab repeatedly to achieve the desired effect. Over and over, back and forth, in and out, almost like….'

"…and I've had maybe TWO women that I can call girlfriends in the entirety of my dating life, and neither of them was in the last four years. So I'm begging for your help because I'm starting to think that maybe something is wrong with me."

As soon as the words had left his mouth, his eyes widened as he immediately launched himself backward, off the seat and onto the floor to avoid the impressive spit-take of butterbeer that had left his best friend's mouth following another bulging of her eyes.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!"

Harry, though he had survived more than his fare share of evil teachers, psychotic government officials, and megalomaniacs, still froze in terror at the sight of an angry Hermione Granger. Frankly, the look on her face at the moment, though abated slightly by the embarrassed incredulity in her features, almost perfectly mirrored her expression when Ron had returned during the Horcrux Hunt, when demanding her wand. It was after times such as these that he and Ron both secretly looked through some of the older books from the Black family library, just to compare her actions with those of beings such as Inferi, the possessed and even Boggarts. They had even begun brewing her tea with Holy Water, just to have some hoops covered, as the Wizard version of the old saying went.

Harry of course would never admit to any of this, and had implemented a safety measure long ago that would activate should she ever find out about such actions. Of course with the safety measure a voice activated spell, he immediately Obliviated himself of knowledge of said spell should it ever actually be used against him. As such, he found himself desperately searching for a word, which he forgot, in order to activate something that he had a vague inkling about, in order to avoid the wrath of Hermione Granger, which and whom he was at the moment VERY aware of.

"I said, I ...er… need your help because I can't find a lasting girlfriend and I think something may be…um…wrong with me … which is preventing me from…y'know…finding someone."

At this point, Hermione very quickly stood and strode in a near run to the floo point which would allow her to get home, and Harry, absolutely bewildered at her response, followed after her.

-HP-

They arrived home to find Ron had already left for the shop, leaving the two alone to discuss Harry's problem.

Or that would have been what Harry thought was going to happen. Instead Hermione arrived home, set down her bag, took off her coat and shoes, and poured herself a very familiar drink.

After the War, Harry discovered that his friends, despite having vastly differing palates and tolerances, all indulged in one specific drink, a Muggle drink known as a 'Four Horsemen' comprising of various oddly named brands.

Harry knew the story of the Four Horsemen from the Bible when his Uncle Vernon decided to loudly read from the Book of Revelations in the hopes of driving out any magic that may have settled in the house. The only reason he knew of them was because his Uncle claimed that this was the only place in the entire thing in which anything exciting occurred. This proved his Uncle of being not only prejudiced against magic, but also not even attempting to comprehend anything about the differing religions at all especially the one which he claimed to be a part of, being a 'God fearing Englishman' and so on.

Hermione's father, upon being asked about the drink explained the Horsemen, War, Famine, Pestilence, and Death, were represented by the differing liquors, usually in reference to their names, such as Famine being Jim 'Bean' and War being 'Captain' Morgan and so on. Ron confided in him several months ago that everyone followed a very specific recipe….which consisted of imbibing a large glass of 'Potter's Whiskey' immediately followed by the 'Horsemen', because trouble inevitably followed whenever Harry asked for help with something. It wasn't his fault, as he himself had stated during the Horcrux Hunt, 'We plan, we get there, and all hell breaks loose.'

Harry understood that the only time his friends ever drank this particular drink was when they felt something involving him would require a little more push than normal to participate in.

After taking several long swigs of literally 'Gryffindor spirits', Hermione felt she had calmed down enough to actually hold a conversation…with someone other than herself that is.

"So, what you're asking me is to look at your sex life, figure out what you're doing wrong, or if you have any strange subconscious kinks you need worked out, then to actually coach you through correcting said kinks and mistakes?"

She took another swig to steady herself

"Don't you think this seems a little too…_hands on_?"

Harry poured himself a small glass of Potter's, it didn't hurt _him _any that they chose to drink something like that. Besides, he was pretty sure he owned a sizable portion of that company anyway… so it was a win for everyone.

"Not really, I mean, you have enough experience with this sort of thing already, and you and Ron had more kinks than a wad of tin foil."

Harry felt the temperature of the room go down slightly, and double-checked to be certain he hadn't poured himself any fire whiskey.

'_Nope, Muggle brand…so what caused…_'

It was at this precise moment that Harry glanced upward to see the expression on Hermione's face. It was difficult to describe later, but it seemed as if she had found a spell which forced absolutely all anger and fury to be visible in one's eyes.

"Harry….I am giving you a generous amount of time to actually analyze what you just said. Once you are done, you should rephrase your statement immediately, as I am certain you would never actually say something like that to someone like me. Am I correct in my assumptions?"

The intern's mind froze for what seemed like forever. Something very rare was occurring and he knew he had done something almost unforgivable. Hermione had very specific levels of anger, and you could easily tell where you were on the 'Granger Danger Scale'.

One of the very rarely seen levels was just before what they assumed was total cataclysmic destruction of the offending person. It was a dreaded stillness that few had ever seen. This 'Hallowed Calm' was easily recognizable as Hermione would suddenly cease using contractions, and her face would take on a soft, serene smile. The immediate response to this was of course to backpedal carefully and as soon as possible. Harry quickly searched through his mind for what triggered it.

'Come on brain, please don't fail me now. Okay the last thing she said was it might be a little too '_hands on'_. Is that the problem? I mean how else would she examine my previous relationships, by hearing about them afterwards? Wait…something's not right here. I said something else; bugger it all, what WAS it?'

Suddenly, Harry had an epiphany and thought he was saved, until he realized exactly how deep of a hole he had dug for himself.

'Okay, I know I called it something else, I didn't use the word relationships, my "_dates"? _No, that's not it. Was it my "_outings"? _No, it's something bigger, more encompassing. Could it be my _love life? _ There shouldn't be anything wrong with that. Lots of people have a love life, present thinker notwithstanding, but it's vital in having a….

'_Oh.'_

Suddenly their entire conversation flew through his ears.

"…_because I can't find a lasting girlfriend"_

"…_something may be…um…wrong with me"_

"… _figure out what you're doing wrong,"_

"…_any strange subconscious kinks"_

"…_correcting said kinks and mistakes"_

"…_a little too…hands on?"_

"…_you have enough experience with this sort of thing."_

"…_more kinks than a wad of tin foil."_

"…_certain you would never actually say something like that to someone like me."_

"_I need your help studying my _sex _life."_

'Oh Dear Merlin and Morgana.'

This was bad. This was very bad. He could rob Dumbledore's grave, dress his corpse up as Voldemort, force it and Fred Weasley to do a can-can on the Burrow front lawn, and proceed to slaughter the entire Wizengamot with Imperius-ed war orphans, and the backlash would seem like a mild talking to compared to what was about to occur. And that scenario factored in EVERY remaining Weasley killing him in various torturous ways, while Molly screamed at him.

"Um…Hermione…I think this has all been a…very…very heinous misunderstanding."

Hermione turned her head more towards him so slowly, he was certain would hear a creak at some point.

"How so, Harry? I could not imagine what sort of misunderstanding this could possibly hope to be."

Harry breathed deeply and went all in.

"I need your help studying my _**DATING LIFE**_. I can't seem to find the right girl and I'm worried something may be preventing me from finding her."

Noticing her face relax slightly, Harry continued

"I'm Harry James Potter, Conqueror of Voldemort, Slayer of Big Pointy-Teethed 'Kill-you-soon-as-look-at-you' Beasties, and I can't find a girl to date for more than an outing or two. Since you're my best friend and Ron has certain qualities which make asking him a worse mistake than walking in on Filch and Umbridge's _private cat time _I'm begging you to help me."

Hermione looked at him for a long moment before responding,

"So, you weren't propositioning me to practice…."

Harry calmed slightly hearing the contraction and immediately turned a deeper red than his old Quidditch Jersey when he finished understanding her sentence, waving his hands wildly back and forth,

"NO no nononononnnno. That is definitely NOT what I was asking. I'm fairly certain I'm doing _just fine_ in that department. Really, no practice required. One hundred percent satisfied. I just need your help working through Relationship kinks."

Harry got on his knees and very slowly put one in front of the other until he was right in front of her with his hands clasped together,

"PLEEEEEEEEAAAAAASSSSEEEE, Hermione. I really need your help. It's killing me going on these dates and not finding anyone."

Hermione gauged his face and seeing his lower lip begin to poke out and wobble,

'_Oh bugger.'_

"Okay. I'll help you with this, but only because your sulking is driving us up the walls. As much fun as it is to see you beg and whine in a frankly uncanny resemblance to our favorite departed "Grim old" dog, I can't keep watching this."

Harry's ears actually perked up as she said this, further making her wonder if it was possible for children to take after their _god_parents.

'_Oh, I worry for whoever has to deal with Teddy later on, especially considering that since he inherited his mother's Metamorphmagus abilities, he could LITERALLY give himself 'puppy dog eyes' at four years old._

"So…you'll help me?"

Harry's eyes were shining with hope as he scooted closer, eager to hear her reply

"Yes…I'll help you study."

Harry jumped straight in the air and, in a bit of possibly accidental magic, caused himself to float in midair long enough to do a small jig.

"Now, can I go back to work? I'm almost done with my lunch break and I don't want to be late getting back."

Harry landed back on the ground and helped her out of her seat, casting Sobriety and Breath Charms as he did so.

"Thanks for that, I don't want to go back to the Ministry smelling like the inside of a bottle."

"No problem whatsoever. You take all the time in the world you need at work. We can get started tomorrow."

Hermione strode into the already green fireplace

"Fine, I have the day off tomorrow anyway."

"Oh, Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"I'm sure any kinks, Relationship or otherwise, you had with Ron were very few and completely natural."

Harry later thanked his honed Seeker and Danger (not Danger- Seeking) reflexes for being able to outrun the flaming paper birds she flung at him as she disappeared.


End file.
